hi

hi there, secret annex, old blog. how ya doing?

"fool's gold"

man, it's going to be a shitty run

a cloudburst of snow pummeled our world

i won't think it over, of course, i will just go and i will run

it's going to be cold, slippery, hard to navigate, and require energy reserves
saved up for days just like this

i don't like to use it, but i will

i made the best chicken noodle soup of my life yesterday, which would have made sense today

i don't even know what to say

i wear a parka of disappointment in humanity lately 

i just want to feel like how the hounds of love by kate bush made me feel in 1987

is that so much to ask? 

pretty much

yes, i've retreated quite a bit
emerging like a vulnerable slug
until i find my shell of protection
and split

i do these things to stay human, okay? 
i'm counting down until i have to perform
wiggle across the sidewalk, avoiding the sun
wishing i could just take control and never drink
because it's literally the lamest drug on planet earth

but that's how we socialize, i'm far from addicted, too
i hate it
but...

someone already called me out on why i do it, and it's true

to grin and bear it
until the next day's
vacation from people

void

i don't feel good

buddy

hey, buddy. 

i thought it might be fun to write you a new-classic missive, a take on the old-fashioned ways, but i wouldn't really be able to do that anyway, the true blue old-timey communication method, because my hands, after years of typing and penmanship neglect, from wrist to finger-tip, have become boneless mush. this is the up-to-date version of old-fashioned, which is to say, an email is today's "letter," do you know what i mean? i ask that and do not want an answer. 

she twists and she whirls, dismissing it all away... 

one way or the other, i suppose the above quote from a new wave classic is true, though i actually missed the entire thing when it came out, because i was lost in space - and here i am calling it a classic - and not only am i not missing the notion of dismissing it all away, i am, in fact, at the doorway of the closest antonym of dismissing it, which would be to engage. anyway, i have engaged in that song, dismissing it all away, because not only is it true, it sounds shiny. it sounds... magnificent. 

of course i wonder, what was i thinking? being "too gone" for something so pretty seems absurd, but then again, i was and am. is it such a surprise? nah. 

that can't be answered, but what i can tell you, if you ever want to know, beyond supposing, would be what it is i am thinking. i'll tell you that (those, i suppose, one way or the other) any day of the week in slow motion, painstakingly so, to the point where we are both desensitized by time and realize how silly and obscure momentum is. 

all is well, and i hope with thou. 

peace, 
ann

spirit

it left itself behind, but i still held tight
carrying what - i could never know
year late revelations are empty
and i wish i'd never tried
so hard to overlook
the obvious

i keep confusing
forgetfulness with forgiveness
i keep confusing
obsession with adoration

i'm out of crowds
and crawling
skin

-----

one more time with this timeless track:

"...relax and walk on by"

i've put so many posts in drafts on my "public" blog, i finally realized, NO DOY, GO TO YER ANNEX BLOG, DUMBO

WHY DON'T YOU ENCOURAGE ME TO BE HAPPY?

i do not think she made the cut for a scorpio
by the skin of its teeth, at the time, it did work
everything i did similar, was long suffering, yet

cross-eyed
cyclical, diluted
obsessively sleepy
i made my own self
dizzy, and you liked
that for some reason

she was in the realm
of sorta and kinda
i said nothing

and vanished


"El-Producto, now wild boy stuff, spittin' dust
 Pain and rain, we know angels dump
 El-Tornado on all y'all chumps"

-Run The Jewels

he was speeding around the corners, and i said,
dude, i get it, you're a fast driver, but i'm not ready for heaven
he said, heaven... laughed at that, i said, that's right, son, that's exactly right
well, and if you were hovering above in the clouds, you wouldn't have liked any of it

i just don't do comparisons, and if i suspect carbon copies, or me being put in the stack

i'm out.

like he said:

"Don't doubt we will mow down you dogs
 No clout to spend here at all, we will now clown you all
 Go shout it to the gods, "RTJ's arrived
 To make your minion cry!", burn our image in her eyes
 Better get a little bit of that zen shit in ya
 I'm a long hitter, but defile the fuck outta frog rap dinner
 How the fuck El-Produc' get bigger, better, meaner?
 Living like a sinner, mean demeanor
 Eat a bleeding, screaming, mean leader
 Back to the ether (ether, ether, ether)"

-Run The Jewels

ether.

just like Leif V. says, too, right?

i said, "do you like music?"

he said, "not as much as you," through laughter -
well, i laughed too, because, i like to hear that i'm crazy with it.
pointing out the obvious like that, i like that, i like to hear that i'm crazy with it.

pragma
logica

our female gods -

the leaves are gold, and i wonder.

---
the internet is so fucking stupid. it's all deceit, and i'm not talking about the news. i'm on the verge, yo. i've been saying it for years, but dang, i just feel it calling me - the wild. the most feral thing one can do is bounce.

zing zang zoop, a whole lotta goop

"will i always be here...?"
dm

well, no. you won't.

i forgot what i liked about you. that's such a shitty comeuppance.