here

i wonder if i tried hard enough
if i could actually uncensor myself
look at me?
seems like i have it all, doesn't it?
my jokes about. ....
are not very ... anymore.
i really want out of this building.
being here is driving me crazy.
fucking retard.
too many years spent
pretending i asdfl;kjasdfl;kjasdfkljasd;lfkjasd;fjka;dfjka;dfjkl

okokokokokokok
OKAY
alright
sailing
sail boat
wind in my hair
breeze
smells like bread
that's the stroh's brewery
and down rouge
or was it gilbraltar
there were red smokestacks
with white stripes on them
that's right, just like candy canes
i thought they did that for us kids
us kids with our
tiny little skinny legs
sperry top siders
i'd stare at my shoes
shoegazer!
just liked how perfect they were
brand new, the feel, mesmerizing
and i could cry at the drop of a hat
if i so much as thought someone meant harm my way
just the very idea that it was possible
made me burst into tears
don't zero in on me, world!
let me drift in and out invisible
shaky legs, beating heart
right out of my bony chest
put on my rollerskates
go under the street light
i figured out how not to worry again
even if just for now
rollerskating took my mind off of fires
if the house lights on fire in the middle of the night
how will i know if i'm sleeping?
i won't. that will be the end.
the end of me.
the.
end.
of.
me.
all i know is i've been clinging to childhood since i was a child
please don't make me go. why do we have to move?
i'll miss her so much, i love her like a sister
what if i have aids?
what if somebody slits my throat?
tuck me in bed
check on me
give me water, i think i might forget how to swallow
what if i forget how to swallow?
i can't sleep
i used to envision people standing on either side of my dresser
pounding it with a hammer. sort of mechanical. actually,
they were shadows of people. they couldn't actually strike.
i also used to close my eyes and force myself not to think about ground meat.
i'd close my eyes and taunt myself with the disgusting image of raw ground meat.
i'd open my eyes, and reconfigure my thoughts, and hope i'd stop with the routine.
you see?
i'm mad. i remember everything. i'm positively insane.

i hope i wake up tomorrow and it's 1984
all of this bullshit will be forgotten