refill

you used deliberation
under the spell of a minute thought
ready for the consequences of my attention
my keen eye will burned under a magnifying glass
hovering by your hand, no escape, aimed towards me

and to think i sheltered you from the most basic of tasks

dilation dilutes reality
and i don't want to see the shit you do
but i always know and conjure up the cruelty

as i innocently go about
mothering myself to death

feelings come in waves, so i head for the bow and hold tight
taking space in grotesque gusts, i've been gazing into the fog forever
i'll never forget that feeling
my feeble fists balled up
grabbing at my share
of
nothing
of
nothing
i was
replaced
she
was a never
before, you said

i felt every soft touch and look
heard the loving words you her
but
i've never
oh
i've never
done that

and i'm the bad one

you said "never"
you said "never"

when i'm taking the sour
out of the lime, you get mad
and turn it all around on a dime

heads or tails?

chasing, either way
i'd rather do that with vicodin
oh lord, it's a crying shame that i can't

i know a world
that shuts you out

in this solitude, every interruption is a reason for a complete fucking meltdown

outside of
this bubble:

i would ache
i would feel pain

and i would show up
negative, unsustainable
until redirected into self-
reflection, retracing steps

solitude in abrasive chaos