YOLO

we each had the scuba suit, flippers and oxygen
and wonder if it'll run out on us, while we explore
will our lips turn blue?
and if i look pretty dead
please take a photograph
and post  it on  facebook

but use your fingers, pretend
         like when we were kids

like when i played "girls on film" as  a child
in my friend's mom's dresses and high heels

make a square, okay?

black pearl eyes 
saucer pupils, from thee...
oh, just the drugs i take in secret 

wink, wink
baby, i'm gonna
probably overdose
one       fine        day

i'm counting down

you can stop me
is an illusion i'll 
let you believe 
at my church

you don't know one 
thing about...

time

but she smiles the same
and i'm joking about all that...

she asked if her eldest really loved her
because his card ended in "sincerely," not "love,"
it was just... so... formal... 
she shivered all day, wondering if she was a shit mom
                                                    that it had all caught up

he wrote "i guess" after each "compliment" 
not one heart, not one affectionate term
hey, he's just a teen, get used to it!

oh.

i know a coping mechanism, it's speaking in the third person

the masseuse said: 
any injuries i should know about? 
i laughed uncontrollably - spit came out
spit 
you think spit is gross
because the word is "spit" - so it's rational
we are conditioned to react certain ways 
                                              to words

saliva is "fine"
spit is just gross

i feel like skepticism has finally boiled over into paranoia
everything seems cultish, everyone's panhandling my soul

something i don't even believe in anymore 
because of what i said above - it's cyclical

oh, they think i'm unhealthy with my macabre perspective
with my moods, my vanishing acts, how i come out with strings
one minute it's hilarious - the next i'm looking in the berating mirror

U G L Y 
DUCKLING

waiting for björk

i signed the dotted line years ago - 
abiding by agreements, but hiding in attics
jumping down when i hear them coming for me

oh! hi! 

why was your door locked? 

there have been so many casualties, i lost count
and i remember the first time i asked them to stop reading
i'd just feel more comfortable, if... if you didn't know who i really am

what kind of person i am

i learned i was evil and going to hell freshman year - 
just because 
just because!
that's the cruelty of it
and within twenty years i became an atheist to deal with that one

i'm talking about why cows don't push through wooden fences that aren't barbed 
there's a reason
and those confines
keep them from death

you don't know the sacrifices i make for people that i don't even believe love me

or even like me for that matter
and that obviously includes you

every threat sluices a river through me
and i don't have the tools to build a bridge

when i talk about panic
when i talk about going down for months
under the covers, incapable of even jogging, making dinner
when i talk about "what's the point of living if we're all going to die?" 

i mean it

late bloomer
and for the greater good
i don't say what i am going to do
if it is drastic, i simply begin the process
and hope i will change my mind at some point

mom always said, actions speak louder than words
and i like to think i am at least - at least - a good daughter

maybe you're right
and if that's the case, i should hear you, and abide by your wishes